As I sit here and write this, I think what to reveal, what to say and is opening up my veins and pouring my blood onto this page going to help me. If I am, for once, brutally honest with myself and in turn share my story, will this make me more vulnerable? Or will it help others to open their hearts onto a blank page and face the most heart-wrenching work a soul can ever endure. This is my story!
June 10, 2014
I was always a sensitive child. The slightest thing hurt me deeply and all I knew was that if you hurt me, my world, as I knew it, came crashing down. Never did I go around hurting others. I was the quiet one who stood in the corner observing those around me: I was laid back and passive. At the age of seventeen-years-old, I met my abuser. He was seven-years-older than me and I became pregnant. We married, had three kids and I dealt with harsh, brutal abuse for ten years.
The one thing I have come to realize about myself is that I have "A Quiet Mind." For most of my life, I would not speak about my feelings when others hurt me. For most of my life, I would take a deep breath when someone said harsh things to me. Many have hurt me and I may have hurt others as well; we are human. One thing I know for sure, I am not abusive. Having a Quiet Mind, it's kind of hard to hurt others; the silence keeps you from speaking.
It wasn't until about two - three years ago did I realize that I was a Highly-Sensitive Person and an Empath. There have been so many times in my life where I would be suckered into situations that I could not understand how I got there in the first place. Why? Because I continue to put everyone else's needs and feelings above mine.
July 8th, 2014
Last month's heart-pouring journal entry had me trembling and shaking. Speaking the truth is the most scariest, heart trembling thing to do; at least for me. Between the abuse I endured and the hurt from others, I started to feel unworthy. What did I do to deserve this? Why did I face abuse and hurt from those who claimed to love me? What made them think that their life and problems were far greater than the next person? Why didn't I have the balls to speak up?
I became numb. So numb, instead of confronting the situation myself, I became angry and bitter as my quiet mind started to melt away into thin air. This is where the truth comes in. This is where the not-allowed-victim-scenario comes in:
- I chose them.
- I allowed things to go too far.
- I had no boundaries within my own personal space.
- Their personality didn't align with mine (like-minded or not).
- I went against my intuition.
You see, the signs were always there. My intuition was always right, but I ignored it. Even after I realized that I was an HSP, I continued to ignore those signs. Why? Because I didn't want to hurt anyone: that empathic curse, yet a blessing, kicked my ass! I didn't want to analyze, look paranoid and be looked at as overly-sensitive. I saw the defensive side of others, the bullying and abuse from others as people don't realize that they are abusive. The sad part, I was always right on, but that Quiet Mind was conditioned to be silent.
I may be sensitive, but I am not defensive. Where did the kindness get me? And what conditioned me to be silent?
A Lesson Learned
Through this shadow work, I have come to realize that I will never go against my intuition ever again. Even if I may be wrong, if it is meant to be, then it will be. I do love my quiet mind - and refuse to go against my kind nature. I will continue to be the kind person that I am, but I have embraced the quote "Do no harm, but take no shit."
I have come to a place if I feel something is off, I confront the situation and move on. They can either be honest about their actions or they can ignore it. One thing I know for sure, when I am wrong, I admit it.
I have learned the hard way. As Buddha reminds us, "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of harming another; you end up getting burned."
Healing Through Creativity
Writing, painting and any kind of creative work opens the soul to where its never been before: the truth! When we embrace creativity, it takes us to places that we never knew exsisted: we awaken. In the book, The Creative Connection by Natalie Rogers, Rogers states, "We express inner feelings by creating outer forms. Expressive art refers to using the emotional, intuitive aspects of ourselves in various media. To use the arts expressively means going into our inner realms to discover feelings and to express them through visual art, movement, sound, writing or drama."
The True Friend
Intuition is key towards ones personal life and business life. We must follow our hearts, listen to our bodies and trust ourselves as intuition is our true friend towards peace, contentment and success.
The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans
Women Who Run With The Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes
Intuitive Healing by Judith Orloff
Awaken Your Soul
*Note: I have made peace with the abuse from my abuser. This shadow work is about my silence; the quiet mind. This is about boundaries and honoring ones own personal space.